Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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