My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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