I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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