I molested 6 butterflies tonight
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
