It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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