Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
