Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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