My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
