He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
