I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize