WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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