I can text with my tongue
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
