I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
