Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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