when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
