Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
