sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
