There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
