So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
