I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Damn victory sex feels great
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
