You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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