Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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