I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
