i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
