my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
