I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
