Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
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Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened