And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.