Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
