So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
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also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
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I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.