i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
