Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
