i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Randomize
