i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
