i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
