Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
