I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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