im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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