If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
