That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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