if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
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you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
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The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm sobbing to NWA
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize