the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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