Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
