So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
