This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
