I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
