Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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