beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
