Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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