when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
