I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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