The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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