i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
