were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
