I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
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I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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